What's In A Name?
by stanzaic
Summary: In which several questions are kind of answered. What is Alfie's full name? Why is Jerome acting stranger than usual? Is Fabian secretly Secret Agent Man? And how many times can this author break the fourth wall?


**A/N:** Don't take this seriously. I'm bored of doing French homework, trying to procrastinate, and trying to think of ways to write a good non-Sue Jerome/OC, and this is what came out of that. Kindly don't judge me. Yes, I know this is strange, but do _you_ happen to know Alfie's full name? Yeah, that's what I thought.

That's pretty much it. Enjoy. :)

***EDIT:** Lol fail. Thanks for telling me his name though guys(:

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _House of Anubis_. Ain't that sad? Jerome would be way more up in it if I did. He'd definitely be the main character if I did.

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><p><strong>What's In A Name?<strong>

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><p>It was official. Jerome Theodore Clarke was acting way weirder than usual, and Alfredo Armando Lewis was going to find out why. With his usual flair, he had botched his first attempt to follow Jerome by letting out an explosive sneeze without pausing to think it over first; but this time, Alfie was sure that he was going to catch Jerome in the act. He had convinced himself that his friend was into something sinister.<p>

"This is Agent Triple O," Alfie stage–whispered into his MP3 recorder. He was sitting behind a tree just outside the main school building, watching and waiting, ready to stalk Jerome like a professional the second he exited the building. Fabian Rutter was seated beside Alfie. Unbeknownst to dear Alfonzo, Fabian had only agreed to help Alfie because he couldn't think of a single reason to get himself out of it. There was also the small fact that Fabian was a do–gooder deep inside and was physically incapable of lying. Whenever he tried, he sweated enough to fill a bucket, turned brighter red than a tomato, and his voice went higher than Justin Bieber's. "Agent Triple O is waiting with Agent…" Alfie looked at Fabian, hitting pause on the recording. "What's your secret agent name?"

"Alfie," said Fabian flatly, "are you serious?"

"I know! I've got it! You can be"–here Alfie sang to a regrettably familiar tune–"Secret Agent Man!"

Fabian had to resist his urge to smash his head against the tree he was hiding behind. Instead, he sighed heavily, and looked up in time to see Jerome leaving the school building. "Hey!" Fabian said, too loudly, "It's Jerome!"

Alfie immediately turned the recorder back on. "The target is exiting the building! Agent Triple O and"–Alfie simply _had_ to sing–song the name again–"Secret Agent Man are about to follow the target! The target is walking one hundred paces out from the school building. I repeat, the target is walking one hundred paces out from the school building. Agent Triple O and Secret Agent Man are now following the target."

Fabian and our dear Alfresco stalked Jerome all the way downtown. This was quite a ways – about a mile, in fact – and with every step, Fabian regretted being nice more and more. By the end of the walk, he had taken out his biology textbook and was studying important terms for the test tomorrow, carefully balancing it in one hand and highlighting important terms with the other. It was a feat that only Secret Agent Man could perform.

Downtown was rather crowded. It was a little old place, with cafés and vintage stores all stuck together. Fabian was hopeful that Agent Triple O would lose sight of the target, but they soon closed in on the target, who was in fact entering one of the random cafés. "Ooh!" chirped the lovely Alfard, "I smell bacon!"

Unfortunately, Fabian was forced by his Secret Agent Man do–gooder skills to agree to sit down with Alfie and eat an early dinner with him. This was ludicrously awkward, as our two favorite secret agents constantly received strange looks from basically everyone around them. They even scored a nasty glare from an elderly woman in the smoking section, which was at least fifteen feet away. And around a corner.

"Okay," said Alfie, once he had finished his appetizer of mozzarella sticks, "what is the target doing now?"

"Alf–" Fabian paused, interrupting himself. "Hold on, what _is_ your full name?"

"That, Secret Agent Man my friend, is a secret. You can call me Alfonsay if you need to call me something."

Fabian snorted. "Did you just make that up?"

"Yes. Hey, you can call me Alfenstein if you're hard–pressed for a name, too."

Fabian stared at Alfie for a very long moment. Finally, Fabian sighed, arguably the heaviest sigh that he had ever sighed; it was as though he had the weight of the entirely too gluttonous world draped over his shoulders along with his blazer. Fortunately, this was a task fit for Secret Agent Man, who carried worlds every other day. "Whatever. Just – whatever. Anyway, Alf–something, Jerome is on a _date_. He has a _girlfriend_. That is what he is doing in this random café. Did you think he was like, involved in something sinister or something?"

Alfie gasped, his head snapping in the direction of Young Nastyman. (In case you, poor reader, were wondering, yes, Alfendayagaya was Wonderboy.) Indeed, a short girl sporting the school uniform was sliding into the seat across from Jerome Theodore Clarke, smiling cheerfully, looking to be of all things utterly _normal_. Alfie stared, unable to comprehend. He couldn't even manage to take out his recorder to record this epic moment in time.

He did, however, manage to take quick notes on Young Nastyman's partner in crime. (Lovely Alfalfa was still convinced that something sinister had to be going on.) Fabian watched in disbelief as Alfie whipped out a small leather–bound notebook and a glittery silver pen, immediately starting to take notes on the Wondergirl. _School uniform with black ripped tights and red Converse Hightops. Luscious straight dirty–blonde hair. Eye color debatable. Good teeth. Must use Crest Whitestrips. May be mentally unstable._

Fabian snatched the notebook away from the professional stalker. "Are you _serious_ right now?" he snapped. "And what d'you mean, may be mentally unstable? D'you even _know_ her?"

"She's dating Jerome!" Alfenquaggle barked back, as he yanked his mini notebook away from Secret Agent Man. "Of course she's got to be mentally unstable!"

Fabian had to concede to this legitimate point. He checked his iPhone for the time. _Dear goodness,_ he thought, glancing outside. "Look, Alfie, we have a biology test tomorrow and it's almost six o'clock. It's going to take forever and a day to get back to Anubis House. We need to split."

"What? _No_!"

"It's just a biology test," said Fabian, confused.

"What do you mean, split? What if I don't want to split? Do my feelings even matter to you?" Poor Alfajamalfa was brokenhearted. He leapt to his feet. "Well then!" he yelled at Secret Agent Man, "If my feelings just don't matter, I guess we _are_ going to split!"

"Alfie, _what the heck_?" Fabian demanded. He looked about – they were getting bad looks again, especially from that nasty old lady, who was shaking her head enthusiastically at the pair of secret agents. "What are you _talking_ about?"

It wasn't until after Alfie stormed out that he realized that Fabian hadn't meant that their secret agent partnership should end. Alfie considered walking back in and explaining his strange actions to Fabian, but instead, he decided that he would go back to the Anubis House. They did have a biology test tomorrow, and our friend Alfahydrashampoofa needed to study.


End file.
